Trigger warning: mental illness
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m drowning. This feeling is not a new one for me, I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about seven years ago. After lengthy consultation with my psychiatrist, therapist and GP (and a lot of trial and error!), I found ways of coping that are healthy. They no longer involve medication (but do involve a significant amount of awareness on my part, and self checking to make sure that I am okay as well as regular check ins with my GP) and for the most part, I barely notice that it’s part of my life. I rarely think about it … until things shift from being okay to not.
I have learned to recognise when things are not okay. When I catch myself staring blankly at my life, wondering how I got to this point and who on earth let me be an adult with responsibilities that I’m pretty sure I’ll never deem myself ready for. When I feel like the tide is coming in and I’m standing with the water lapping at my ankles. When I feel like I’m on the most exciting part of the rollercoaster, as it tips over the edge and is rushing downwards – that’s when I know that I’m not okay.
I found myself reaching that point recently, and so came a time of change. I had to pass up some opportunities that came my way, relinquish some of my responsibilities for projects that I was involved with, and dial back the amount of time I spent working in order to make time for me. I’ve spent a lot of time on self care, and doing things that make my heart, body and soul feel good in order to give my brain a bit of time out, and it’s done me a world of good. One of the things that makes me feel great is music. I love singing (despite not having a particularly great voice), and when I find a song I love I’ll sing it loud – apologies to my ever patient boyfriend who suffers through Taylor Swift on repeat in my car.
Anyway, the point of this post is two-fold. Firstly, I wanted to explain why my posting schedule has been a bit erratic as of late (please forgive me!) and let you know that if you are struggling at the moment you’re not alone and it is okay to ask for help. I’m serious, please take care of yourself! The second reason is that I really wanted to share this song by Rachel Platten that someone shared with me a couple of days ago.
It’s my current “sing it loud” song, because it reminds me that I can pick myself up and be awesome. This is my fight song.
I’m not an expert when it comes to mental health – not even when it comes to my own – so I speak only about my own personal experience and what does/doesn’t work for me. If you live with mental illness, or feel like you need help right now, please talk to someone – your doctor or a trusted friend or family member. There is never any shame in admitting that you need help – we all do sometimes.
Is there a song that really makes you feel good? Let me know what it is, I’d love to add it to my playlist!
New Zealand resources that may be helpful:
- The Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand
- Mental Health Services
- The Depression Helpline (0800 111 757)
- Healthline (0800 611 116)
- Lifeline (0800 543 354)
- Samaritans (0800 726 666)
- Youthline (0800 376 633)
- Alcohol Drug Helpline (0800 787 797)
Sending love. Knowing that you had reached that point and knew you had to take a step back is amazing. As someone who has dealt with mental illness all my life, with bipolar, and then borderline diagnoses, I know just how much being aware can help. Also, how important it is to speak about, so thank you for sharing this. I hope you’re feeling a bit more on top of things. xo
Thanks lady, I’m feeling much better now that I’m on vacation and able to take some me time. xx
<3 I am just catching up on your blog. I've suffered from depression and know what you mean about self-checking, especially since coming off medication, so big hugs! That song is awesome, I'm going to have to add it to my playlist. One I love is Demi Lovato's Skyscraper. Usually helps me have a wee cry to begin with, but then I'll be singing it at the top of my lungs and feel much better. Hope you're doing better. xoxo
I love Skyscraper, I just added it to my playlist! And I’m doing better, thanks Lisa xo
Amazingly honest. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and like you am no longer on medication, but I have those checks and balances that I try to keep up with. Although lately it’s been a lot harder. But we keep on keeping on.
Xxxx
❤️
Big Hugs from Melbourne, Meagan. I love your blog and I adore your writing.
I live with intermittent anxiety with elements of depression and I understand how crippling and exhausting it can be. I went years without seeking help thinking that I would get through it and eventually I had a breakdown. In desperation I sought the services of a psychologist who turned out to be a perfect fit for me. He helped me deconstruct myself and then worked with me to build myself back up again. It was not easy, it was emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausting. He helped me mend my battered self.
I now look after myself emotionally, psychologically and physically. I ensure that I walk everyday, spend time with my horses (who are one of my major coping mechanisms) and pay attention to my nutrition. I reduced my work hours and moved into a less stressful area of nursing with no shiftwork. I now work in a very supportive environment, with great colleagues, fantastic patients and I love what I do.
To me, anxiety and depression is like a genie in a bottle. You carry the bottle around and the genie is of no issue. Then one day the bottle breaks and the genie is out of the bottle, only now there is no bottle to stuff that genie back into. I just had to learn to live with the genie. I accept the fact that the genie is part of who I am, but the genie does not control me nor define me. He has reinforced the importance of me taking better care of me, being kinder to myself and reminding me that I am not invincible and that sometimes I need to reach a hand out and ask for help. My sleep patterns have improved, I have lost weight and I no longer stress about things I have no control over. I no longer apologise for everything (even existing), I do not run away when things get too difficult and I no longer catastrophise. I now trust myself and I love myself and I had not done that for years. I am now living and not just existing.
I am also more sensitive to when I do revert to old thinking and behaviour patterns that I may be entering another spiral and am much quicker at implementing my coping strategies to keep me from spiralling into another depressive/anxiety episode.
With these changes I will live a longer, happier and healthier life….and I am happy for the genie to just sit in the background and play solitaire. If he does arc up I am confident in my abilities to defuse him and sweep him into the naughty corner for some more “time out”.
Hey Margo, thanks so much for sharing – it always helps to know I’m not alone. It sounds like you’ve found some great help and coping methods, I’m so happy you have those – they make all the difference ❤️
Big hugs Meagan. It’s great that you know how to self care and can recognise when things are not so ok so you can do something about it. I started having quite bad anxiety attacks earlier this year, thank goodness I’ve now been able to manage this and I have been much better, but I hear you on knowing when to step back and look after yourself. Thanks for sharing your story x
xx
Have a listen to that song “Secrets” by Mary Lambert if you haven’t already. I think you might like it 🙂 soooo OH what?!!!
I love that song, thanks so much for reminding me about it xx
Bless you for your honesty! My dad is bipolar in a unipolar cycle! Up, up or up!
I am currently sorting out my sleep apnoea hope that getting that sorted helps with the number of moody and down days I have been experiencing! This is mixed in with some grief!
Take care you and thank you for sharing.
I don’t suffer from depression but suffer from severe anxiety. My go to songs at the moment are Hakuna Matata and Lighthouse by G.R.L. Both such different songs but relate hugely.
Hugs Meagan. Depression kicks my arse in Autumn and Winter. Ugh, so glad it’s FINALLY spring here! (Come for a vacay, hehe.) xoxo
A vacation is exactly what I need! Luckily I’m booked in for some R&R at home in Gisborne at the beginning of May. Can’t wait!
Knowing yourself the way tat you do is the best way to see yourself slipping. Take the time you need – we aren’t going anywhere xx
Thanks lady xo
Hi Meagan, thanks for this post and for sharing your story. I think all of us struggle with life at times, and hopefully as we go through we learn how to look after ourselves. Can’t underestimate the support of a good GP though, or any health professional who you build a relationship with. I always enjoy reading your blog – your “voice” always comes across as enthusiastic about your subject. That positivity makes a great contribution to my day and is infectious, so Thanks for that. Keep strong.
Thanks Anna, and I agree – having a good relationship with your health professional (whoever that may be) is essential. It took me a long time to find people I felt comfotable talking to, but when I did it was a major turning point for me.
Thanks for this post, my husband suffers badly from depression and I sometime find it hard to understand. Reading this makes it a bit easier.
Depression is a tricky beast, even more so when it’s not your own. Lots of love to you guys xo
Thanks for sharing Meagan. It helped me to remember (easier said than done) that mental illness doesn’t have to define me — it’s about learning to live with it long term, like you’ve said. Your beach analogy is so apt – good and bad times will ebb and flow. I really admire you for putting this out there!